I have felt very distracted lately. It seems my thoughts keep wandering and drifting to far away places. So far that when they return I am not sure where they have gone to.
I was tallying up the dates the other day and realized that this month marks my 3rd month of being laid off from my “day” job… This realization comes with mixed feelings. I find myself at odds with where I am. It’s funny how unproductive I feel…yet in the same breath I am amazed at how much I have accomplished. In meditation the other day, I was reminded that I am not alone. As always my strife…my struggle…my joys and experiences are to be shared to help the collective understand we are not alone.
A message that seemed important to share and remind others (including myself) again is this…No matter where you work, what you do, when you are gone, you will be replaced. I spent 11 1/2 years where I was….to be basically forgotten. People you think would reach out don’t, and the people you don’t expect to reach out do. Basically the collective message is to remember it is a job. Don’t let the politics of it get to you. Remind yourself why you are working…and always remember that there is more…a bigger world out there. Your career,job or your paycheck does not need to define who you are. Easier said than done but hey… the message interrupted my meditation so it must need to be shared.
Have you felt disconnected lately? For me I seem to have a lack of connection with “time”. The older linear version of time I was so used to working in has slipped away. I no longer look at time as increments of minutes. It seems to have become more of a time to get up and time to go to bed concept. A…morning, afternoon, evening, night type of increments, the light and a dark part of the day.
With this new concept my mental body is having a difficult time following through with or understanding the next steps, whereas my spirit body seems to be taking full advantage of all its new-found freedom by jumping from world to world. Which in turn leaves me feeling like I lost time, or more accurately lost track of all time. I know this means I must remember to consciously ground myself.
Living a life of structure… and direction as well as expectation for eleven years has left me quite programmed. This season…Spring, has really been a test of adaptation and balance for me. I am being forced to adapt to a new life, and new sense of time. In the process of this adaption I am being presented with one of my biggest weaknesses…balance. I think collectively we are all being presented with this same struggle in one form or another.
Do any of you remember the movie Super Star? On many levels the main character is me, but that is a whole other blog! There is a scene in this movie where she talks about the two ways to get in the water (pool or lake etc..). The first being the dipping of the toes, you know to test the water, to see the temp. Once you know what you’re getting into then slowly immersing yourself into the water. The second was JUMPING right in. Plunging into the unexpected…just going for it. HA!! I am the plunge in type of person…I will actually think about something…play it out run all the options I can think of and if it is something I am still interested in doing, regardless of the outcome or the process, I dive in. I don’t test the water even when I think I should. What do you do? Do you dive in?
I believe diving it is good…I really do. It is my adventure side that screams…DO IT!!! The trick here is learning balance. Reminding ourselves that it does not have to be ALL work…or NO work.. or Rich or Poor…Happy or Sad…Hot or Cold…Not everything needs to be extreme.
Looking back across my working years, I feel like I have spent years thinking and dreaming about what my life would be like if I did not have a “Traditional day job” like it is now. And now that it is here, I feel slightly lost. I struggle staying on task and keeping up with the simplest of tasks. I have a moment of pushing away the guilt of not bringing in an income. I will have moments where I judge my self-worth as a contributing partner in my relationship. I flow from feeling in complete control to feeling like I am clinging to the side of the pool afraid to let go…not knowing, or trusting that I will float. There are moments when this worries me. I wonder if I have lost something. I wonder and second guess all my dreams, my goals and direction. I wonder what is it that I want, and the more I wonder and the more I process, I realize that it is all about balance. I need to find a balance. I need to learn to trust and go with the flow. I need to let go of controlling everything and everyone around me. I should actually change that sentence to “let go of thinking I can control everything….” I also know that moments like these are usually orchestrated by two things… Fear and my ego…littered with past programming about who I am and what gives me value I am exposed to a rush of self judgement. Nothing worse than self judgement… When our internal voice or ego decides to start streaming all kinds of negative thoughts and judgments in our head, wow…can we do some damage.
If you have felt similar, know that you are not alone. We are on the cusp of another transition. The transition from Spring to Summer is just around the corner. Spring has been well spent planting seeds, nurturing the seedlings into plants. Believe in yourself. Believe in the work that you have been doing. For every negative uncertain thought you have…counter it with a positive! Find the positive…remember what set you on your destination. Then prepare for Summer. Summer is the time to grow. Let the sun and the moon guide you along your journey. Grow strong and tall and know that you are growing in the right direction, that you are becoming exactly who you are supposed to be. Bask in the light, and enjoy, live and remember to be flexible enough to go with the flow of the summer breeze.
Love and light